I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
