Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
