mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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