I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Farmville is her only friend.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
