bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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