So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
