just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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