this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
