there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize