Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize