so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
