I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
