I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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