why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
