there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
