my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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