Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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