Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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