ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
