3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
