can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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