he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
It's rum buckets o'clock
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
