walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
