I smell stomach acid.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
