omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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