consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
