While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
