You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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