When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
