bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
