i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
