Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
