I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize