Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
