I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
please don't ironically join a cult
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