Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
