I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
