There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
