Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
my shit smells like andre
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize