here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
