you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Come see our sink grown plant.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
