Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
