i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
