I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
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