So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
