at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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