Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
