you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
