when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize