i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize