dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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