Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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