I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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