we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
