Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
