Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
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