I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
