i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
