I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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