Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
