In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Randomize
